© 2024 XMWA
Ah, the elusive feeling of happiness. We chase it and as if it’s a prize or some beautiful trophy we can display on our mantels or a clever saying or quote we can put around our license plates. At least I did. I literally hunted, searched, begged and cried about my relentless quest for happiness. I looked for it in people, places and things. In the early nineties, I thought, a marriage and kids would make me happy. Nope. Maybe if I go to an island for vacation, happiness will present itself to me there. No again. Okay, how about a big job with a big title at a well-known company (Nordstrom). Let down again. It felt like a cruel joke God or Life was playing on me. I remember getting on my knees one night crying to God or whomever, “Why?! Why do you want me unhappy? I’m a good person. Please send me someone who will make me happy.” It’s so sad and laughable when I look back on that time in my life.
I mentioned in my “About the author” section, that I had shelves and shelves of self-help books. I once had book called “Happiness is Serious Problem”. And for me, it was. I was so focused on how unhappy I was, I could never see clearly enough, and realize that the problem was entirely of my making. I was manifesting self-misery. That happened because every day, I said over and over to myself that I was unhappy. I said it to other people. I journaled about it. I obsessed about other people’s happiness and felt jealous. Another horrible emotion to feed. Jealously.
What happened was after 25 years of searching, it came to me. The feeling I had longed for. It replaced the “home-sick” and yearning I felt for so long. It was in August of 2017. I was living in women’s shelter in Costa Mesa, California. I had been there four months. During that time, I focused on my sobriety. I surrendered a job as a Family Law paralegal 4 months prior. Parked my car at a friend’s house and left a bunch of my “stuff” with my boyfriend for him to either put in storage or sell. I didn’t care. It was his choice. I thought we were breaking up anyway. There I was, riding my bike home to the woman’s shelter. It was ten o’clock at night. I was coming home from my $12.50 an hour job at The Home Depot. My “Get well job”. I knew I was going to make it home on time for the eleven o’clock house-curfew so I was relaxed. There was a hint of the sunset still hanging in the sky, I had a RedBull in my hand and the air was warm. The backpack I was wearing was heavy because I shopped for some groceries on my lunch break that day. That’s when it hit me. It came in the form of tears and laughter. Good belly laughter and tears of gratitude. I was stopped at a cross walk thinking, dang, this backpack is heavy. I need to get a basket on my bike next pay period; if I have some extra money. That’s when it happened. I thought to myself, Oh shit, I’m happy. Like, REALLY happy. Like everything in the world is right, happy. How did this happen? I panicked a little. Oh my God. Please don’t let this feeling end. It’s going to end! No not yet! I begged my head to stay right there in that moment. What had changed? And then I knew. It was gratitude. I was grateful and humbled by my living and working conditions. You see, I was in that situation because I had surrendered. During those months, I found a Higher Power to surrender my will and my life to. I didn’t know who this Higher Power was, but for once in my life, it wasn’t me. I removed the burden of “knowing” from my thoughts. I didn’t have any answers about my future and I was okay with that. I was practicing being present. Twenty-Four hours at time. That’s was as far as I thought. Sixty days prior to that day, I started listening to guided meditations on YouTube before I went to sleep at night. One that I listened to every night is called Surrender Meditation, Letting Go, By Jason Stephenson. (Hyper link?) I discovered that “my happiness was a direct reflection of the level of faith I had in the universe” (The Universe Has Your Back, by Gabby Bernstein) Hyper link?. During those four months, I stopped focusing on my “feelings” and was being of service to other women in the house. We were trudging through our healing journey’s together. Loving one another unconditionally and making room for the next person in the life raft. The life raft we found, was our sobriety. During those months, I stopped thinking of myself only. I had been so selfish and self-centered, so over-valued in my own mind, that I was cut off from the Sunlight of Spirit. My ego was blocking any chance of genuine peace of mind. My head had always lied to me in the past and said “You’re not worthy of happiness”. But there it was; clear as day. Happiness came to me because I was packing Love into the stream of life and thinking of others. I believe that day was a Spiritual Awakening of sorts. The surrender, the morning meditations, constant thought of others were all part of my Spiritual healing. The reward for those actions is Happiness.
Today, that boyfriend and I have reconciled. We share a home with our kids and two dogs. We’re healing our relationship with a lot of honest conversations, newfound trust, alone time; together and apart and HUMOR. I know today, that it’s important for me to be mindful of my time and energy. I share it between, Family, Volunteer commitments, friends, Meditation practice, work and play. I read a lot too (No really; a lot). One of my go to practices is a quick little exercise I learned from Gabby Bernstein’s book Miracles Now (Hyper link?). It’s a Kundalini Meditation. “Peace Begins with You”. Sometimes I start my day with it and other times, it’s my go to when I’m irritated about some person, place or thing. You can practice this mediation anytime and anywhere. Let’s start now!
Gabby says to breathe deeply as you say each word. Take it as slow or as fast as you’d like. You can use this exercise in line at the grocery store, under your desk in an office meeting or in the middle of a fight with your lover. This technique helps me through all kinds of crazy emotions and helps me release resentments fast.
With that, I see you and I honor your healing journey.
XMWA!